Obnoxious Noah

Stories of a great flood can be found in the folk tales of almost every culture, so it could be that there was a time when much of Earth’s current landmass was temporarily underwater. Exactly what historical time that was, however, is questionable as there is no “official” record of any such phenomena, and “the Egyptian civilization was in a particularly flourishing state at [the Biblical flood] time and was building its pyramids." *

There are many reasons why we also must assume that much of the story of Noah's ark is fabrication. One reason is the clear impossibility of Noah collecting a pair of every species when many species only live above the Arctic Circle, deep in the jungles of South America, or in the Australian outback. Another reason is the preposterous size of an ark capable of holding — and storing a year's provisions for — every known species. There are over 250,000 species of beetles alone! But let us chalk all that up to the natural tendency for storytellers to exaggerate, and consider instead what sort of man God is said to have elected to save the human race. For being the first leader mentioned in the Bible, there is precious little written about Noah. According to Genesis, Noah was the son of Lamech and the grandson of Methuselah. At the age of 500, he had three sons: Shem, Ham, and Japheth. When the Almighty decided to start the world over again, he chose Noah (now 600 years old) to carry on the human race because "Noah was a righteous man, blameless in his generations." [Gen 6:9]

One of the strangest stories in the Bible occurs after the flood business is over. Noah became a farmer. "He planted a vineyard; and he drank of the wine, and be-came drunk, and lay uncovered in his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside. Then Shem and Japheth took a garment, laid it upon both their shoulders, and walked backward and covered the nakedness of their father; their faces were turned away, and they did not see their father's nakedness." [Gen 9:20 23] Now be sure to get this picture clearly in your mind: A man walks unknowingly into a tent and can't help but spy his 602-year-old father passed out on the bed in just his birthday suit. (A rather ill-fitting suit, to be sure.) He immediately tells his brothers, who cover up the old man after walking backwards into the tent. And does Noah awaken and thank his sons for covering up an old man in need?

Not exactly.

"When Noah awoke from his wine and knew what his youngest son had done to him, he said, `Cursed be Canaan; a slave of slaves shall he be to his brothers.'" [Gen 9:24] This wins the award for being the most ungrateful and outrageous statement in the entire Bible (perhaps even in all of the world’s literature.) A man gets drunk of his own accord, removes his own clothes, passes out, and then complains about what his son has done to him! What harm had been done … other than to Ham's poor eyes? And, to top it off with even greater lunacy, Noah curses not his son Ham, but Ham's son Canaan (Noah's grandson), who had absolutely nothing to do with the whole affair. What possible reason could the author of Genesis have for writing such a preposterous story? Could the fact that "Canaan" is the name for the land long coveted by the Hebrews have anything to do with this?

Altogether, Noah's ungratefulness pales in comparision to the sins of other Biblical heroes. Consider

Footnotes
* Asimov, Isaac, Asimov's Guide to the Bible, Avenel Books, 1981, p. 38.